


You've Never Been Cold

by kotter



Category: Original Work
Genre: :shrug emoji:, Anxiety Disorder, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Social Anxiety, also this is kinda... triggering for people with social anxiety and problems with loneliness, and yeah for people who are worrying, author is doing a lot better now, didn't want to see this? don't want this up? fuck OFF, i honestly wrote this as a "fuck you", i'm not cold and alone anymore. but yanno, in the off chance that someone who hurt me in this way is reading this: fuck you., more of a vent than anything, shouldn't have fucked me up like that, shouldn't have fucked with my feelings and head then, the story of how the author got an anxiety disorder, this is me telling you that i feel the way i feel and i will not apologize for that, told without using any names or real places, you do not have any control over me., you do what you gotta do to vent.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:53:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21868567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kotter/pseuds/kotter
Summary: Nobody wants to be cold and alone in a world where the only way to survive is together.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	You've Never Been Cold

**Author's Note:**

> hey. in case you didn't read the tags, this is a lil triggering for people prone to start spiraling when they read about bad friends and bad relationships. this is an early warning for people with social anxiety: this might start some bad shit in yer head. stay safe.

The Outside was a constant storm, biting cold that pierced deep, through muscle and bone. Little fires broke the monotonous, frigid dark of the Outside, clusters of live-fires grouped in irregular intervals across the world, where they could find shelter under the rocky, snow-drenched, barren surface.

The wind howled, and the live-fires howled back. They stood together against the cold, their warmth was more than enough for the live-fires. The world was not pleasant or inviting, but the warmth of the live-fires was. They were close as could be.

A group stood together, strewn around the cave they dwelled in. Their warmth reached every part of the cave, thawing the frozen stone. They were laying around the cave, talking amiably and laughing. 

The group was clearly close. They loved each other’s company, the warmth in the cave was almost blistering. 

One of the live-fires was perched on a rock jutting out from the side of the cave. They sat by themselves, watching the others with a pleasant look. They watched for a bit longer, before noticing a flickering light outside. They excused themselves and went out for the light.

Maybe the light will be my friend. 

A live-fire was shuffling towards the cave, connections to other, closer live-fires strung around their fingers. They peered at the live-fire who came out of the cave, and then at the hand, they offered. 

They stared at the hand, eyes flicking between the live-fire’s face and the light, before shuffling backward and beckoning the live-fire to follow. The live-fire glanced uneasily between the newcomer and the cave with the warmth, before making a choice and following the newcomer. 

The strings of the newcomer’s close bonds flexed around their fingers. Their fire burned brighter. 

The wind howled around them. Their fires did not give out, but they did shudder in the cold. Finally, after walking for a while, the live-fire stopped. The newcomer turned to face them, still beckoning them closer, but the live-fire took their hands and pulled them back towards the warmth of the cave. 

The light from the cave grew brighter as they drew near. Finally, they reached the entrance, but the newcomer balked and hesitated, insistently shaking their head and flexing their fingers. Their fire burned brighter, but the live-fire’s was flickering more than fires usually did.   
Finally, the newcomer conceded and followed the live-fire into the cave. Eyes turned to meet them as warmth rushed over them. The first live-fire was happy to see them again, they announced this in a happy wave of their arms. 

The newcomer growled and turned to examine their fingers instead. 

The live-fire hopped on their ledge and patted the spot next to them. The newcomer shuffled over to meet them, still flexing and focusing on the strings on their fingers. The live-fire turned to talk to them, but they were wrapped up in talking to their strings. 

The live-fire turned back to face the far wall. 

It continued like this for a while, the live-fire attempting to talk, but they newcomer ignored them. They went to hop off the ledge to go talk to someone else, but the newcomer stared at them with eyes full of pleading and hurt, so they stayed. 

Eventually, the newcomer wanted to leave, citing the issues they talked about extensively when the live-fire tried to leave. The live-fire agreed (with a small bit of reluctance and guilt) and followed the newcomer out into the cold, away from the warmth. 

The live-fire was cold and uncomfortable out here, but the other was doing better than they were in the cave, so it was okay. They shouldn’t complain, their issues didn’t matter as much. 

The newcomer was still talking to their strings. 

The live-fire stared out into the cold, finding themselves… unhappy. Why were they unhappy? They were so selfish, they scolded themselves. Your friend is happy, so you should be too. Your issues don’t matter as much as theirs. 

The newcomer was still talking to their strings. 

The newcomer was still talking to their strings, not sparing the live-fire a glance. 

The live-fire was suddenly aware of their uncomfortableness. They didn’t like this. They didn’t want this for themselves. They were so cold and unhappy and those strings--

Your issues don’t matter as much, they chided themselves.

Cold. Cold cold cold cold, fire hurting. No protection from the empty cold. This was awful, this was terrible. They didn’t like this. 

You’re a bad person for thinking about leaving someone who’s hurting.

But they were so unhappy.

So they left. 

The newcomer watched them go, eyes full of anger and hurt. 

The strings pulsed on their fingers. 

The live-fire ran back to the cave, dodging snowdrifts and jutting rocks. They could see it! The warmth was so close!

Except now it wasn’t. They skidded to a stop.

The cave was dark and cold. No other live-fires. No warmth, no help. 

Just cold. 

You’re a terrible person. Your issues don’t matter as much. 

… didn’t they matter? 

Didn’t they?

That’s why they left. Were they really a terrible person, now? Did their issues even matter in the face of the newcomer’s?

Laughter reached their ears. They whirled, trying to locate the source, before seeing it, in the distance. 

Their old group of friends. Their old warmth, now with new friends. Old friends made new friends, but there was still the same laughter. 

It was like it didn’t even matter that they weren’t there. 

The thought was a stab in the gut. Their fire stuttered, their glow dimmed. 

The group disappeared down, past a snowdrift, into a new cave. 

No wait, please

The live-fire dashed towards the cave, towards the light. Fearful, dreading hope filled their stomach, practically sloshing out of the stab, as they peeked inside. 

The warmth was beautiful, the scene was not. Every single ledge was filled with their new friends, who laughed and talked like they had never even left. 

Like it didn’t matter. 

They couldn’t let themselves be a terrible person. They had to try, try to make it better so it wouldn’t have been a selfish, useless thing to do, to run. They couldn’t back down. They needed the warmth. 

They quietly stepped into the cave. The conversation paused, warmth stilling, taking them in before they all turned back to each other. 

A part of the live-fire cracked. 

They took tentative steps into the cave, searching for anywhere to be. There were no spots and nobody would make eye contact and move. Nobody would invite them in. 

Did they have to earn the right to sit with them? 

That’s… that’s okay. They can do that, right? 

They shuffled in, leaning against the cave wall near the entrance. They cast hopeful glances around the room, but nobody turned to face them. Nobody made eye contact. 

That’s okay. I just have to wait it out, show them how determined I am to be their friend. 

Time passed, they finally gathered the courage to talk to someone. 

They approached a quiet, sharp one sitting near a loud, boisterous one. They raised their hand to say hi, but--

The others barely even acknowledged them. They were glanced at before they turned back to scooch in closer with their friends. 

That’s because of me

They don’t want to be around me

The live-fire froze, a new feeling rising up in their chest.

Bad feelings. 

No, no, they attempted to soothe themselves. They don’t dislike me I just need to try harder. 

That’s all, that’s it. They just need to see how nice and funny I can be. 

The live-fire approached another, trying the same tactic. The other held eye-contact but gave them a funny look they ignored. Hey, they looked at you! Their expression didn’t mean anything bad, I promise. 

Round and round they went, trying to get into the group. They tried to reach the warmth. They smiled and waved and joked and laughed and tried and promised. 

They tried they tried they showed them pieces of themselves only the close one would get to see just to be brushed off and ignored. They tried to be their friends and listen and help and play with. 

Three tries, three strikes. 

With every swing-and-a-miss, they hurt more. The panicky feeling never went away, it just became stronger. They wore smiles when they thought someone was looking and tried not to frown and denied their unhappiness. They already left someone because of unhappiness it didn’t matter how they felt what mattered was that everyone else was happy. 

/ Happier without you there

The live-fire was hurting more than they ever did the newcomer and their strings. Their fire was sputtering and choking and hurting hurting hurting 

They were so cold. They were cold frigid freezing nippy chilly glacial bitingly piercingly numbingly cold

/ I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO CARE BACK

/ PLEASE

/ I DON’T WANNA BE ALONE I DON’T WANNA BE ALONE I DON’T WANNA BE ALONE

And it was over. 

The group moved on. They dispersed out, with warm good-byes to each other, smiles and whispers and giggles shared with each other. They warmly split ways, promising to see each other again. 

And with that, they scattered, in groups of their own, still giggling and chatting.

The live-fire was alone. 

Alone in the cold. 

Cold. 

With nobody to their name, no warmth or smiles. No comforting touches and kind words and genuine smiles. 

All alone, in the cold, in a world where together was the only way to survive. 

They were still unhappy.

**Author's Note:**

> the author is doing better. 
> 
> i just really needed a way to say "you aren't welcome in my life anymore, you don't control me, i am me and you can fuck off if you don't like it."


End file.
